...and of course, it's not him that I'm mad at. It's not him that I hate. It's me. Because I wasn't up to the task of this particular interaction. Because he said he wouldn't destroy me and I let him. Because there's nowhere else for the disappointment and the anger to go. Because I clearly want too much even when I don't think I want anything at all. Because I honestly do not think that anyone even remotely age appropriate or unmarried will ever actually love me or work to make me love them. At least not anyone that I can love back.
I know that I'm not supposed to be internalizing this, but if I'm going to be the crazy bitch, this is the way to do it that doesn't get people sending messages to your department chair about you and it also doesn't end up hurting anyone else.
That last part, of course, is a legacy of growing up evangelical and female: you do whatever you can to avoid hurting or inconveniencing other people, even if it means driving a knife into your gut.
About Me
- the other woman
- "She did not know if she did it on purpose, but she lived as a fatality the necessity of destining her pleasure to the absent one, who moreover was not always the same, the other of the other always possibly being an other. This is naturally, and here I have to quote her, a 'surplus' of always available pleasure, and a 'fatal deprivation.' After a silence: the day that I love someone, man or woman, I am certain, or I believe that it will stop, in any event this is how I will recognize love. I have loved a lot, however, without ever abandoning myself to those I loved, presently I mean. And up to the present. Another silence (I had already asked for the bill) and without anything provocative or vulgar, with a kind of confidence which I still like to think of: I have the feeling that with you [vous] it would be different." (Derrida, Envois)
2 comments:
"Because I honestly do not think that anyone even remotely age appropriate or unmarried will ever actually love me or work to make me love them. At least not anyone that I can love back."
Exactly.
And, having been there, I'm so terribly sorry he hurt you.
I am so sorry--this really has the signature scent of a "new york dude" douchebag, even with just the vague details. I really think the gender dynamic there is amplified from the standard baseline cultural Cosmogirl suckiness.
"Because I honestly do not think that anyone even remotely age appropriate or unmarried will ever actually love me or work to make me love them."
I have also been there, and that, too, passed--I truly believe that it will for you, too.
*hugs*
Nica/anthrochica
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