Holding things lightly (more to come)

Did what I had to do on Wednesday. We ended on affectionate terms and with few regrets. And that was the point of it all, of course. So that we can still stand by each other as essentially good people, still reflect on the time we had together as something that was, on balance, a good thing for the both of us. I don't think I could have healed the way I did in the past couple of months without him.

And so. Spent the day and night with J. on Thursday. Liking him a lot. For something that started as a shot in the dark on his part, we've turned out to have a lot in common. His ability to read me is occasionally unnerving, but it's not the same kind of connection I had with, say, The Professor, that kind of has its destructive potential built in. So that's good. And his eyes--! (That was my 14-year-old moment, for those of you keeping score.)

We were supposed to hang out today, but he had to cancel. Which turns out to be fine for me, since yesterday got swallowed up by my first (exhausting) foray into the procurement of a bridesmaid's dress. Which is apparently incredibly belated as the wedding is in six weeks. It would be quicker to get a fucking passport. (Part of the exhaustion is no doubt due to my own ambivalence about my brother, which I want to work out in another post.) So all I did yesterday was that, the Greenmarket, and an epic nap, followed by epic Grey's Anatomy watching. With my plans for the day cancelled, I have been able to stay home, wear clothes that never leave this apartment, be on my period in peace, not wear makeup, and keep the pimple on my cheek to myself. I've also been able to make this the first full day of work that I've had since finishing the Victorian project. Spent just over 4 hours on my prospectus (*finally*) and am about to sit zazen again by way of transitioning into thinking about teaching stuff. I'm definitely glad I decided when I woke up to do the prospectus time first--I have a feeling that prep would have become an all-day project as it does all too often. Something to keep in mind for the coming weeks.

So I've given myself a deadline of 10/1 for articulating a topic and coming up with chapter headings. Would like to have a full draft shortly thereafter. I'll probably be blogging that more specifically on the site where I use my real name. (If you Google me and my main institution you should be able to find it.) I'm glad that we're about to come up on the workshop days in my class--far less prep for me and grading that can be done more or less immediately. This means more time for the prospectus and for staring at the cute boy that I like.

Which is pretty much where I need to be right now, holding lightly, and practicing with the present. And with that being said, I think it's time to sit for a few minutes. Perhaps I'll say more on some of these things later.