...it's not that I'm mad. Not really, not at you. It's just that every time you change plans on me, it ends up disrupting my day. And I have to be very protective of my time right now. But I like you. And I don't want to have to get mad about this. I'm not taking it personally, it doesn't make me think that you don't like me or something. And it doesn't really make me judge you one way or the other. But in order to keep this equilibrium, I have to be able to protect my time, even if it means that I'm quite serious when I say that, if you can't make it work tonight, then we can't really make plans for awhile--you just have to call me half an hour or an hour before and take your chances or, better yet, come find me in West Village Coffeeshop or whatever. (I once told The Poet the same thing, namely, don't tell me you're coming over unless you're getting off the PATH train already. Because while I've gotten a lot better about this, I still can't ride out these kinds of changes as well as I'd like. This is how I manage.)
The only thing I'm specifically annoyed about is this: when you text me on Tuesday to suggest going out on Saturday night (rescheduling from the previous Sunday), I shouldn't have to text you at 5:30 on Saturday afternoon in order to find out that you can't make it. But I feel like this is an issue easily enough called out and solved. As I plan to do. If I ever see you again. Which I would like to. Because I like you.
I got very used to these kinds of last minute changes and just general uncertainty when I was dating married guys. It was one of the things that was really, really, really exhausting about dating married guys. Though it did lower my general expectations in terms of hanging out with dudes. Nevertheless. I had sort of a lot riding on the idea that I was finally getting to go out with a guy I liked on an actual Saturday. Because even with E, I never got him on a weekend. Hell, I hardly ever got my Ex on a weekend. And I know that's why I crashed a bit yesterday. Some of this probably needs to be expressed, too.
Seriously, though, isn't the whole point of dating dudes not married to anyone else that they can actually, you know, make plans and keep them? Argh.
I'm trying to not let this get all triggering-like. And part of it is a reminder to work as hard as I possibly can at every moment so that I can maintain some kind of flexibility. Nevertheless.
I do feel slightly better now that I've ranted, though. The big news of the week was seeing K and renewing our passionate love-hate relationship. We didn't act on anything. I'm trying to be good after all. It would be nice, however, to have some help in this.
On the other hand, I'm at Cafe Naico right now and just saw some dude spill his salad on the floor. Which puts my day somewhat in perspective. Now to get back to the prospectus, I guess.
ETA: It doesn't help that it is almost painfully loud in here right now. The kind of loud that I would be willing to put up with if I knew I had something to look forward; the kind of loud that causes a certain physical doubling-over when I don't. It leaves me feeling stranded, incapable of making effective decisions, overwhelmed by the sensation of backsliding and knowing that two and a half months of sitting zazen is no match for 28 years of just sheer angst and frustration. I want to see him tonight. I want him to get back to me first before I text him again. I want to not feel desperate. I want the prospectus to be written. Or to have more time for it. I want this to be easy. I want him to be easy. It started out easy. I need someone easy. I know that I only want to cry right now because it's so loud and I can't handle it, but I don't like being this way.
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