Where was I...?

Yeah, so it's been awhile. I don't know why I fell silent here...I've been doing slightly more consistent writing in my paper journal and elsewhere, but everything that I could have put here seems to have become deflected in some weird way. And I wouldn't know where to begin to describe the last month. There was St Louis, the news that my sister in law is pregnant already, the party my parents threw for her and my brother, the displacement of seeing a bunch of people for the first time in ten years, and the ultimate of feeling like an asshole because I was too drunk to enjoy most of my reunion. Also, the realization while sitting zazen in my childhood bedroom that I'd positioned myself in the same place, facing the same direction even, as I do when I'm sitting zazen at home. (To the right of the door, facing south.)

For some reason after I came back from St Louis I felt absolutely lethargic. I still sometimes feel that way--chalking it up to it being the end of the semester and just being run down from all these 8:00 classes and the fact that I'm now getting up in total darkness. (Might be time to invest in a sun lamp.) Somewhere along the way my prospectus got approved, but really I feel like I've been phoning things in, that I have these brief moments of clarity and energy that disappear before I can realize they're happening. I want to get back to a moment I had a couple weeks ago when I was sitting at the zendo and halfway through the second half hour everything just clicked into clarity and it was amazing. But then I had to go meet with a student and all of the sudden it was Saturday and I was exhausted and dissipated and having Thursday night existential crises where I was beginning to feel constrained by my friendships and all this encouragement to drink and stay out when I just wanted to go home on my own. And it's all more complicated than this, but that's the basic part.

Oh, and right before I went to St Louis I saw Synecdoche, New York and it just about broke my heart.

I don't really know what to say, what to tell you, what to tell myself. I feel like I've wasted another day, even though I did get a few things done. I want to do the whole Paterian gemlike flame and burn continually and just feel engaged with all this and be able to trust myself in the world. All these things are connected. The weather is doing this weird thing where it's 20 degrees one day and 55 the next. I wore these red Prada shoes with 4-inch heels to my department party--I bought them back when I was living with my ex years ago and only just pulled them out this weekend. I didn't go out with everyone after the party. I feel so old. I feel like I'm missing something. I wish I could shake this sense of dissatisfaction--but I'm beginning to realize that this may be zazen doing its work, showing me what needs to change in my life. I no longer feel like going out and partying with everyone every night. Or drinking a bottle of wine on my own. But there's so much to change. I don't even know where to start.

K. made a brief appearance back in my life a couple weeks ago, just in time for his birthday. We never did manage to get together. Maybe that's for the best. The Poet tells me he loves me, and I believe it, and it's okay, but I'm not sure we're destined to live in the same state ever. But I am grateful for his presence this year. The last person I ever dated on Nerve called me up last week on a slim pretext wanting to hang out. We had a nice phonecall, but that part was never the problem. I accepted a Facebook friending from some dude I've never met but who knows a friend of mine. I spent $9.99 at iTunes downloading the latest album by this other guy I've met recently and...augh.

When I first started blogging it was performative rather than constative. It's been constative for a long time. I miss performative. It's probably time to go to bed.