Still kicking my own ass, though not as hard

He writes back something very sweet that helps set my mind at ease, just rights things again. Predictably, my own self-recriminations start immediately--everything was fine, what happened all of the sudden, why do I always *do* this, etc.--but I'm trying to do the thing where you just notice those thoughts are happening and then don't invite them to stay for tea (or, in my case, a Flying Pigs Farm pork chop, despite my not having gone to the gym today). Recognizing that my angst has little to do with him in a way, remembering that I am not actually clingy or overly expectant and that I can just continue to sit with this, as it were, because what else am I going to do? Holding lightly is always so much easier when...something.

I think I did the right thing in being up front about some things--like my recent readiness to actually be in a relationship if I had the chance, something that's a bit different from where he is--without serving up the whole plate of traumas and pastness. I gave general outlines and just said that the decisions I made in 2008 were motivated by a desire to mitigate my loneliness and heal a bit. That's all that needs to be said for now, I think.

At least I'm writing today. Did a first draft of the fellowship app that like 9,000 other people I know are working on just now. It doesn't fully hang together, but I can address that in an edit tomorrow. (Another day I probably won't make it to the gym, but perhaps that's also not the thing I need to beat myself up about today.) I still have four papers to grade after dinner that I didn't get to last night due to exhaustion and the bat call that probably started all of this. My other blogging duties may have to wait until tomorrow. Would love it if Not-NYU called another snow day, but this seems unlikely.

I feel not unlike an ass, by the way. But less so than I did with J. Some of this was at least illuminating, like when I found myself typing to him that I trust other people more than I trust myself when it comes to these interstitial kinds of spaces--the not just hooking up and one night standing, but also not the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I think it's important that I'm even recognizing that.

Okay. Must do dishes if I want food.