You know, I had a decently productive day yesterday, after all. Sure, I had my period of enervation / distraction / tiredness in the afternoon, but once I put myself back on the timer, I was able to get a few things done. Finding out that the teaching observation that was supposed to take place today is getting moved didn't do much for my mood (it only required shifting around, oh, two weeks of my course planning, right at the beginning of the research unit, and getting the library involved to set the initial date), but, on the plus side, I didn't feel obligated to do much thinking about my class yesterday at all--which is exactly how Wednesdays are supposed to be when one teaches a class they've taught before on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.
I wish all of my Wednesdays could be that way--if they had been since January I would not be so terrified that my orals are two months from tomorrow. (However, I'm sure I'll be able to get more done once the conference is over, and spring break is still almost a month in my future.) The problem is, though, that I can't work like that day after day. I woke up this morning (as I often do after a good day of work) much later than I wanted to, and I can tell already it's not going to be much of a morning. I'm sluggish and groggy, not really wanting to focus on anything (including this blog post), and all the ideas that I had while I was falling asleep--the ideas that, most probably, were the reasons why I couldn't fall asleep for ages--have all gone away and I'm sort of spinning my wheels until it's time to go to teach. (Since I do my Thursday office hours before class and have an errand I have to run first, I'm looking at leaving around noon for my 2:30 class.) I will do about 20 minutes of prep and plan to look at their homework and freewriting on the train, in my office, and during the beginning of class. And I'll maybe try to read some Genette or something. I also need to clean a bit. But I certainly had a different vision of what my teaching mornings were going to be, and I sort of hope that no matter where I teach in the fall, I can get something at least before noon.
Anyway. I'll figure out something. Better things are ahead. I'm going out with The Poet this evening. It's funny, in a way, because each time I get a little bit more...okay? with the whole scenario. I may devote a longer post to this later (and, yes, by now you may have realized that the "this deserves a longer post" is a classic blogo-rhetorical move with me), but all I'm going to say right now is this--it's nice to have someone in my life who thinks I'm great, who clearly thinks about me when we're not together. (This, I think, is the one limit that I always knew The Lawyer had--he could make you feel like you were the only person in the world while he was with you, but I don't think he thinks that much about people when they aren't there. Sometimes I wish I could be more like that.) While it would obviously be nice (and far more conductive to my not being the fucked up single older sister at my brother's wedding) if said person was neither married nor nearly 30 years odler than me, that's clearly just not in the cards right now. But we all know that I still don't have the energy for a "real" relationship right now--and I guess I just don't see why it has to be all or nothing.