Last March was all Ides for me, really--I've been betrayed by so many of these mid-50-degree days walking down from Midtown past Bryant Park. It's worth remembering through all of this that 2007 wouldn't have hurt so much if there hadn't been so many bluesky days and letting yourself hope even though everything else was against it--and I remember how he and I talked each other in to believing in Spring even though we should have been smarter than that and this was the first time that someone asked me to save him from himself and I couldn't do it. And today for the first time I'm not wearing my winter coat--the black jacket and blue hoodie have come out and the sun is shining and somehow I have to write this conference paper and maybe it will all be okay today and I'll work steadily for the next nine hours and everything will be okay, okay, okay. How am I doing? I said something about being okay, less wretched, even if it's for the wrong reasons. I'm still willing to make certain compromises because it's nice to be admired by someone even if you can't introduce him to your friends or your mother. And it will never lead to the stomachdrop excitement and the almost manic bouts of confidence--and maybe that's okay, too, for now.
Wilco: I didn't die, I should be satisfied / I survived, that's good enough for now...
I'm justifying my late start at work by the fact that I was talking with my adviser about my conference paper. I have almost 40 pages of notes--not to mention the seminar paper I wrote a couple years ago on this poem--but I still haven't quite tricked myself into writing the paper. Hopefully with the rest of today, tomorrow evening after teaching, and Wednesday morning, this will come together. Though there are a couple of other things that need to get done.
Tentative plans--
Rousseau until about 3:30
Paper research / Writing from 3:30-8
Break to try to do the scanning stuff again. Ugh. Also delete some things from my school hard drive.
Back to writing until 10:30--try to have something that I can print.
Tuesday morning
Prep / Print / Verify Roster / Send email about the in-class essay / Grade the stray paper / Input grades so far / Make conference schedule
Work on conference paper and Rousseau while students are doing peer review and in the evening.
Wednesday - All conference paper, all the time
Except after all the 19th century stuff, when I should try to finish Rousseau
Thursday - Prep / Rousseau / pack for housesitting gig.
About Me
- the other woman
- "She did not know if she did it on purpose, but she lived as a fatality the necessity of destining her pleasure to the absent one, who moreover was not always the same, the other of the other always possibly being an other. This is naturally, and here I have to quote her, a 'surplus' of always available pleasure, and a 'fatal deprivation.' After a silence: the day that I love someone, man or woman, I am certain, or I believe that it will stop, in any event this is how I will recognize love. I have loved a lot, however, without ever abandoning myself to those I loved, presently I mean. And up to the present. Another silence (I had already asked for the bill) and without anything provocative or vulgar, with a kind of confidence which I still like to think of: I have the feeling that with you [vous] it would be different." (Derrida, Envois)
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